10 Catchiest Food Jingles We Love to Hate
by John DeVore
Jingles are jaunty little hymns to hum while strolling down the aisles of the local temple of frozen pizzas, jarred cheeses, and fresh produce. These clarion calls of consumerism are designed to be simple, snappy, and infectious like swine flu. Beamed directly from the television to the frontal lobe, they are often more memorable than the products about which they're composed.
And that's what makes them so effective; you might not want that box of salty, over-priced flavored rice, but it's been scanned and bagged already. Why? Because you didn't even realize that your eyes had rolled into the back of your skull while you were whistling that product's happy little mind controlling melody.
So we're celebrating some of the most important music our culture has ever produced -- tunes engineered to tickle the intersection of neural ganglia where pleasure and credit card impulses meet. We dare you to listen, remember, and totally not catch yourself blurting them out later today, probably at an inappropriate time. Each of these jingles is cheesy, manipulative, and one of them will probably be our dying words.
"Is there anything you'd like to say with your last breath?"
"I… I....I feel...like chicken tonight...like chicken... tonight."
10. Chili's
Chorus: "I want my baby back, baby back, baby back ribs."
Why it's so catchy: It might well be the greatest tune that well-coiffed troupe of teen troubadours from yesteryear, 'N Sync, ever sang. This finger-snapping jingle stirs up excitement for what's essentially a plate of mealy pork bones slathered in sweet ketchup. It's funky, soulful, and has the most addicting bass line in all of audio advertising. Imagine it being sung by a cross between Gregorian monks and a gospel choir.
9. Chicken Tonight
Chorus: "I feel like chicken tonight, like chicken tonight."
Why it's so catchy: This insidious ditty handily convinces you that, yes, you do want chicken tonight. Earlier, it had been, oh, say beef, but now that you're giggling while singing this ridiculous song, you have a mighty appetite for chicken that's been slow simmered in pre-fabricated sauce. We personally dare you to chirp this jingle without flapping your arms like an actual chicken.
8. Gatorade
Chorus: "Gatorade is thirst aid, for that deep down body thirst."
Why it's so catchy: Deep down, and we're talking deep, your body wants radioactively colored sugar water. Puny, ol' H2O just won't do. This jingle is awesome because it's so manly and angry. Exercise is sweaty, serious business and your body will fail you unless you come to its aid. It has to have sports drink, which, of course, is actually one of the most important bodily fluids.
7. Rice a Roni
Chorus: "The San Francisco treat!"
Why it's so catchy: This isn't plate filler to be served next to canned green beans and self-gravying meat shingles. It's a treat. They serve it in waffle cones at every trolley stop in festive, faraway San Francisco. This jingle is a merry ode to a product that combines rice, noodles, and chemicals and can is sold for the price of practically "FREE." But, oh boy, it does its job. Its cheerful hook transforms a cheapo option into a must-have. It's a treat! An extravagant delicacy! Fill your bathtub with it and delight your pores! Pour it into crystal goblets!
6. Subway
Chorus: "Five. Five Dollar. Five Dollar Footlong."
Why it's so catchy: This jingle is all about the message: for five dollars, you can buy twelve inches of carbs, protein, and pre-shredded vegetables. It even got its own dance move. Combined, this winner is like a stadium chant. The simple head-bobbing rhythm is meant to replace your entire vocabulary, so that when you eventually walk by a Subway, you know exactly what to do. Buy a five. A five dollar. A five dollar footlong.
5. Mentos
Chorus: "Fresh goes better with Mentos, fresh and full of life!"
Why it's so catchy: Mentos isn't a breath mint. Breath mints just add a flimsy dimension of peppermint to your stank mouth. Now Mentos -- that's a magical cure for rot breath. Because they're the "Freshmaker." This jingle is amazing for many reasons. Number one: it's so manically upbeat. People who are happy and full of life eat Mentos. The undead, shut-ins, and war criminals eat, like, gravel. Number two: Mentos wants you to know it's synonymous with freshness. And in the world of this jingle, "fresh" is a codeword for "everything good in the universe."
4. Crystal Light
Chorus: "I believe in Crystal Light because I believe in me!"
Why it's so catchy: This jingle cleverly ties its product directly to your self-esteem. If you don't drink Crystal Light, you don't believe in yourself. You're a skulking human dumpling that nobody loves. But if you do drink this sugar-free beverage, then you will one day reach the pinnacle of human triumph. You'll be beautiful, and healthy, and fit. This is no mere jingle, it's a life-affirming mantra.
3. Klondike Bar
Chorus: "What would you do for a Klondike Bar..."
Why it's so catchy: Because it makes you consider what you'd actually do for a square of the vanilla-est vanilla ice cream lacquered in chocolate colored plastic. Most would just pay a buck and change. But the genius behind this irreverent jingle is it suggests that Klondike is something of such enormous culinary value, you'd indulge in all manner of hi-jinks just to have it drip all over your pants.
2. Juicy Fruit
Chorus: "The taste is gonna move you!"
Why it's so catchy: Note: there are no actual fruits in Juicy Fruit. In fact, it doesn't even taste like any actual fruit. What it does taste like is "rad." And this jingle emphasizes this fact. Attitudinal, hard-driving, and rock and roll, the Juicy Fruit theme communicates a very basic message: eat this awesome gum. Slowly bend it into your mouth, and instantly, you'll have friends who love to ski. The taste is so powerful, it can move you, and mountains.
1. Oscar Mayer
Chorus: "My bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R. My bologna has a second name it's "M-A-Y-E-R."
Why it's so catchy: This is like the "Free Bird" of jingles. If there were ever a giant jingle concert, people who hold their lighters aloft and bray "OSCAR MAYER!" This tune is almost primal in its simplicity. A soothing melody, a cute little kid, the product's name spelled so you can't possibly have any excuse not to buy it while shopping for pork tubes. It's an advertisement disguised as an adorable little nursery rhyme. Brilliant.
John DeVore has written for Maxim Magazine, The New York Sun, Cracked.com, Comedycentral.com, Esquire.com, Playboy.com and for the award winning political parody Whitehouse.org. Follow him at twitter.com/johndevore and read his previous article about The Top 10 Food Mascots of All Time
by John DeVore
Jingles are jaunty little hymns to hum while strolling down the aisles of the local temple of frozen pizzas, jarred cheeses, and fresh produce. These clarion calls of consumerism are designed to be simple, snappy, and infectious like swine flu. Beamed directly from the television to the frontal lobe, they are often more memorable than the products about which they're composed.
And that's what makes them so effective; you might not want that box of salty, over-priced flavored rice, but it's been scanned and bagged already. Why? Because you didn't even realize that your eyes had rolled into the back of your skull while you were whistling that product's happy little mind controlling melody.
So we're celebrating some of the most important music our culture has ever produced -- tunes engineered to tickle the intersection of neural ganglia where pleasure and credit card impulses meet. We dare you to listen, remember, and totally not catch yourself blurting them out later today, probably at an inappropriate time. Each of these jingles is cheesy, manipulative, and one of them will probably be our dying words.
"Is there anything you'd like to say with your last breath?"
"I… I....I feel...like chicken tonight...like chicken... tonight."
10. Chili's
Chorus: "I want my baby back, baby back, baby back ribs."
Why it's so catchy: It might well be the greatest tune that well-coiffed troupe of teen troubadours from yesteryear, 'N Sync, ever sang. This finger-snapping jingle stirs up excitement for what's essentially a plate of mealy pork bones slathered in sweet ketchup. It's funky, soulful, and has the most addicting bass line in all of audio advertising. Imagine it being sung by a cross between Gregorian monks and a gospel choir.
9. Chicken Tonight
Chorus: "I feel like chicken tonight, like chicken tonight."
Why it's so catchy: This insidious ditty handily convinces you that, yes, you do want chicken tonight. Earlier, it had been, oh, say beef, but now that you're giggling while singing this ridiculous song, you have a mighty appetite for chicken that's been slow simmered in pre-fabricated sauce. We personally dare you to chirp this jingle without flapping your arms like an actual chicken.
8. Gatorade
Chorus: "Gatorade is thirst aid, for that deep down body thirst."
Why it's so catchy: Deep down, and we're talking deep, your body wants radioactively colored sugar water. Puny, ol' H2O just won't do. This jingle is awesome because it's so manly and angry. Exercise is sweaty, serious business and your body will fail you unless you come to its aid. It has to have sports drink, which, of course, is actually one of the most important bodily fluids.
7. Rice a Roni
Chorus: "The San Francisco treat!"
Why it's so catchy: This isn't plate filler to be served next to canned green beans and self-gravying meat shingles. It's a treat. They serve it in waffle cones at every trolley stop in festive, faraway San Francisco. This jingle is a merry ode to a product that combines rice, noodles, and chemicals and can is sold for the price of practically "FREE." But, oh boy, it does its job. Its cheerful hook transforms a cheapo option into a must-have. It's a treat! An extravagant delicacy! Fill your bathtub with it and delight your pores! Pour it into crystal goblets!
6. Subway
Chorus: "Five. Five Dollar. Five Dollar Footlong."
Why it's so catchy: This jingle is all about the message: for five dollars, you can buy twelve inches of carbs, protein, and pre-shredded vegetables. It even got its own dance move. Combined, this winner is like a stadium chant. The simple head-bobbing rhythm is meant to replace your entire vocabulary, so that when you eventually walk by a Subway, you know exactly what to do. Buy a five. A five dollar. A five dollar footlong.
5. Mentos
Chorus: "Fresh goes better with Mentos, fresh and full of life!"
Why it's so catchy: Mentos isn't a breath mint. Breath mints just add a flimsy dimension of peppermint to your stank mouth. Now Mentos -- that's a magical cure for rot breath. Because they're the "Freshmaker." This jingle is amazing for many reasons. Number one: it's so manically upbeat. People who are happy and full of life eat Mentos. The undead, shut-ins, and war criminals eat, like, gravel. Number two: Mentos wants you to know it's synonymous with freshness. And in the world of this jingle, "fresh" is a codeword for "everything good in the universe."
4. Crystal Light
Chorus: "I believe in Crystal Light because I believe in me!"
Why it's so catchy: This jingle cleverly ties its product directly to your self-esteem. If you don't drink Crystal Light, you don't believe in yourself. You're a skulking human dumpling that nobody loves. But if you do drink this sugar-free beverage, then you will one day reach the pinnacle of human triumph. You'll be beautiful, and healthy, and fit. This is no mere jingle, it's a life-affirming mantra.
3. Klondike Bar
Chorus: "What would you do for a Klondike Bar..."
Why it's so catchy: Because it makes you consider what you'd actually do for a square of the vanilla-est vanilla ice cream lacquered in chocolate colored plastic. Most would just pay a buck and change. But the genius behind this irreverent jingle is it suggests that Klondike is something of such enormous culinary value, you'd indulge in all manner of hi-jinks just to have it drip all over your pants.
2. Juicy Fruit
Chorus: "The taste is gonna move you!"
Why it's so catchy: Note: there are no actual fruits in Juicy Fruit. In fact, it doesn't even taste like any actual fruit. What it does taste like is "rad." And this jingle emphasizes this fact. Attitudinal, hard-driving, and rock and roll, the Juicy Fruit theme communicates a very basic message: eat this awesome gum. Slowly bend it into your mouth, and instantly, you'll have friends who love to ski. The taste is so powerful, it can move you, and mountains.
1. Oscar Mayer
Chorus: "My bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R. My bologna has a second name it's "M-A-Y-E-R."
Why it's so catchy: This is like the "Free Bird" of jingles. If there were ever a giant jingle concert, people who hold their lighters aloft and bray "OSCAR MAYER!" This tune is almost primal in its simplicity. A soothing melody, a cute little kid, the product's name spelled so you can't possibly have any excuse not to buy it while shopping for pork tubes. It's an advertisement disguised as an adorable little nursery rhyme. Brilliant.
John DeVore has written for Maxim Magazine, The New York Sun, Cracked.com, Comedycentral.com, Esquire.com, Playboy.com and for the award winning political parody Whitehouse.org. Follow him at twitter.com/johndevore and read his previous article about The Top 10 Food Mascots of All Time
